By Ahmed Latif
God, when will this light turn green? I feel like I have aged dramatically since it turned red. Dramatically? Why did I think of that word? I don’t think that’s the right word. Is it drastically? Dramatic emphasis is like when an anime cat created by a little Japanese girl waves hello after saying hello. Drastic is like when the President of the United States bans hot dogs from the White House because they’re a choking hazard. Well, what about felonious? Not so much concerned with its meaning as much as its sound. It sounds way too good for what it means.
Good Lord, I think I will go insane if traffic doesn’t start moving soon. I am so bored I am thinking about the relationship between how a word sounds and what it means. I wonder if there is a name for that. I bet there isn’t. How cool would it be to invent a word for that? I think I’ll call this relationship the ‘symphonesaur’. I could already imagine it on dictionary.com as,
Symphonesaur [sim-fuh-neh-sawr]: (noun) The relationship between a word’s meaning and the aesthetic of its pronunciation.
Do you think someone could die of boredom? I wonder if that is an actual cause of death. I wonder how many times a coroner would think ‘oh he probably died of boredom.’ I wonder how many people starve to death in traffic jams annually in the United States? What about the greater Los Angeles area? I bet a lot. If we ever colonize Mars, I wonder if we’ll still have traffic jams there. If I immigrated to Mars I’ll try to get work at the local dojo; I would love to become a martial arts teacher. That way I would be a Martian mixed martial arts instructor. I really love alliteration. I love it even more when people use the names of their kids as an opportunity for alliteration. ‘Hi! My name is Lana, this is my sister Lisa and my brothers Lyle and Larry.’ I feel like siblings are a package deal. You know how you can’t evaluate an album based on one song; you need to evaluate the totality of its composition. You would do the same with siblings that share the first letter of their names. You can’t just consider that Larry is a douchebag because Lana is a saint and Lyle spent a semester purifying drinking water in Malawi; also Lisa works with special needs children. So Larry’s negative characteristics are drowned out just like Flashing Lights in Kanye West’s Graduation.
Why is this dude not even inching forward? Dude, I can see you have a couple of inches to inch, so inch!! Maybe I should turn on the radio, maybe that will help.
(Turns on Radio)
“But why would you do that if you knew all the cameramen were there?
Because, he doesn’t care what the paparazzi think or what people say?
Doesn’t he know that show business is the business of public opinion?
Well, I think that …”
(Turns off Radio)
Nope, that did not help at all. I wonder why the Coen brothers had George Clooney say “Damn, we’re in a tight spot” so many times in O’ Brother Where Art Thou? I wonder if he improvised that? Ah, if I had Wi-Fi right now I would totally google that. I wonder if I actually have Wi-Fi? Ugh! NOOOOOOO!!!
Maybe I should play some music. What is the point of having an iPod with eight thousand songs if you’re not going to use it to battle the incomparable boredom of such once in a century traffic jam. I know it’s only been twenty minutes but seriously it feels like eighteen hours.
(Turns on iPod)
“Why is everybody so serious? Acting so damn mysterious …”
(Turns off iPod)
Well, now it feels like nineteen hours, thanks Jessie J. I thought LA had a lot of food trucks, why don’t we have food trucks on the freeway? Honestly, I would abandon this car right now for some burgers. You know what I have a real hankering for right now, Filipino stir fry. Maybe I should quit this whole financial analysis racket and start my own Filipino stir fry food truck right here on the freeway. I’ll call it “The Mispronounced Dragon”. I wonder why so many movies and books deal with miserable ad execs. I am surprised a bit that this is not happening in a socialist country that condemns the corporate world, instead it is happening in the land of capitalism. Ben Affleck totally made a career of playing that unhappy ad exec guy. What does Ben Stein do, other than teach Ferris Bueller and facilitate desire fulfilment in Animaniacs? Didn’t he have a show where he gave away his money? I think he’s a Republican. I don’t understand party loyalty, why would you not evaluate each candidate on what they’re doing? Not that it matters, I still refuse to vote. I stopped voting when P. Diddy did that vote or die campaign, I was like death sounds fine, thank you very much.
You know what I hate, videos on YouTube that do not have the content they claim. It’s not trolling, it’s just stupid. I wonder if someone can become a schizophrenic because of a traffic jam. I wonder if I can diagnose myself with a psychiatric condition. I still don’t know the difference between a psychologist and psychiatrist, and where does a therapist fit in there? If I had another personality somewhere in there, he would totally speak with an accent. A Russian one too. Khe vould be most upset at thees trafeek dzham. I wonder why my parents never taught me to play the accordion? I understand that it’s a dying instrument but I feel like it is still super needed because there are so few people that excel at it. It’s like a guaranteed ticket to success. I wonder if I should get out of the car and stretch a bit. I hate it when people do that on an airplane while they’re sitting, like dude just get up and stretch; you know stretching while you’re sitting is absolutely useless, it does nothing.
I wonder how many suicides are triggered by a traffic jam every year in the continental United States? I wonder how many happen during traffic jams? Oh, I wonder how many suicides happen during a traffic jam but have nothing to do with the traffic jam? I wonder how much weight do cops lend a suicide note? I would lend it no credibility. They would too if they saw all the movies I’ve seen.
Here’s an idea, I should totally get out of the car and start running in between cars slapping people with their windows rolled down. The media will have a field day and the headline will read ‘Freeway Slapper strikes again’.
I hope I start hallucinating that we’re moving again.