Hello Doctor or Should I Say Dentist

By Ahmed Latif

1:03 am Sacramento, California
The emergency personal line for dentist Dr. Brudenbaker rings in his home.

“Um, hello?”

“Hi Dr. Brudenbaker, this is Eli, Eli Fraustein. I am a patient of yours.”
“Obviously, that’s why you called.  Now, what is the problem Eli?”
“Well, I have an appointment for a regular cleaning in three weeks but I just realized that I won’t be in town then, so can I change the appointment or is it too late?”
“Eli, you’re calling about rescheduling an appointment?  How is that an emergency?  You are aware that it is one in the morning?”
“Well, it is an emergency because even though I pay hundreds of dollars in health insurance a month, they only pay $50 worth of cleaning, and the least you’ve ever charged me is $350. So I want to save some money because I don’t want to pay for an appointment I won’t make.  And yes I am aware of the time.  As a matter of fact I resent you implying that I don’t know the time.”
“Okay, Eli, just call my office in the morning and the whole thing will be sorted out.”
“Oh perfect, thanks so much Dr. Brudenbaker, I really appreciate this.  Have a great night.”
“I will. Thanks Eli.”
-Doctor hangs up

Phone rings
2:34 am

“Hello?”
“Hi, Dr. Brudenbaker, this is Eli Fraustein, I am a patient of yours.”
“Eli, this is an emergency line; in case one of my patients has a dental emergency.”
“Like what?”
“Like a broken tooth.  Do you have a broken tooth?”
“Maybe.”
“Well do you?  Is that why you called?”
“No, I actually wanted to cancel my appointment altogether instead of changing.”
“That is not an emergency Eli!”
“It is.  It is of urgent importance, how can you say that when I just realized that I don’t need to pay someone hundreds of dollars a month in order for them to give me a miniscule discount when someone cleans my teeth.  I mean for crying out loud, I can clean my own teeth with a three dollar toothbrush.  I mean what a scam you guys have running!”
“Okay Eli, in the morning I will make sure that you are removed from the patients list, I think we’re done here.”
“Also, speaking of an emergency can you recommend another dentist that would be a lot cheaper and would be in my area and would also be covered by my insurance and is also Jewish?”
“I don’t know Eli …  Wait what?  Why Jewish?”
“Well, I don’t want someone who isn’t Jewish sticking their hand in my mouth.  It’s like, hold on, is that a Jewish hand or not?”
“Eli…”
“Yeah?”
“I am not Jewish.”
“What?”
“I am German.”
“Oh, you kind of went the other way with that one, huh?”
“German is not opposite to Jew.”
“That is offensive!!  Dropping the j-word on me, so offensive!”
“Actually you stereotyping Germans is offensive!”
“Well, it’s not a stereotype, not really.  I mean it’s both world wars we’re talking about, not just one.”
“Goodbye Eli.”
“I mean have you heard of 1939-1945?”
-Doctor hangs up

Phone rings
3:17 am

“Hello?”
“Hi Dr. Brudenbaker, this is Eli Fraustein, I am a former patient of yours.”
“Eli, for the love of God this is an emergency line, so please hang up and call my office in the morning!”
“I just wanted to apologize; I said some harsh things before about you being a con artist and an incompetent dentist.”
“You didn’t say anything of the sort.”
“Well, I did now, so I am sorry.  Also, I want you to take me back please Dr. Brudenbaker, I have changed.  I no longer think that health insurance is a scam, and I want you to stick your non-Jewish hand in my mouth again.  Please!”
“Fine, Eli, tomorrow I won’t tell my assistant to remove you from the patients list but you have to stop calling now, okay Eli?”
“Alright Doctor, good night.  And thank you for taking me back!  I promise you won’t regret it, I am a changed man.  I now realize how important my teeth are; I mean I paid thousands for those damn braces, just to brush them with a three dollar toothbrush, no way.  I need to go the extra mile to protect this investment.”
“Good night Eli!”
-Doctor hangs up

Phone rings
4:46 am

“Hello?  Eli!”
“No!  This is Detective Artie Harrison of the NYPD, is this Dr. Brudenbaker?”
“Yes, I am sorry detective, what can I do for you?”
“Do you have a patient by the name of … hold on a sec … what is it again? Right … Fraustein, Eli Fraustein?”
“Yes Detective, is something the matter?”
“Yes, we just found him dead; you were the last number he called?”
“Oh God.  Yeah, he called me a couple of times to complain over appointments.”
“Really?  Complain?”
“How did he die?”
“He had a broken tooth and bled out.”
“Hold on detective, did you say NYPD?”
“Did I?”
“I live in Sacramento.”
“April Fools!  Ha!  Gotcha Dr. Brudenbaker, it’s me Eli Fraustein, your patient, then former patient and now your patient once again.”
“What are you doing Eli?  Why are you torturing me on Christmas Eve?”
“It’s a Hanukkah tradition to prank non-Jewish people on Christmas Eve.  Gotcha!”
“That’s not a Hanukkah tradition.”
“You’re not Jewish!!”
“But I know you’re making this up.”
“What are you a rabbi?  I don’t think I want you to stick your anti-Semitic hand in my mouth anymore.”
“Fine, Eli, goodbye!”
“April Fools, gotcha again!  In all seriousness though, you’re the least expensive dentist in the area.”
“Okay.”
“I feel like I should have used the word cheap in that last sentence.”
“Good night Eli.”
“Merry Christmas Doctor.”
“Happy Hanukkah Eli.”
“Oh I am not Jewish, I never said I was.”
-Eli hangs up