My Dinner with Osvaldo

By Ahmed Latif

“The last time I saw you was more than two months ago, before your recent travels, and you said you were re-reading The Republic by Plato.  Did you notice anything new this time around?”

“I actually did.  I can’t believe you asked that right off the bat.  I noticed how completely unromantic Plato’s notion of happiness is, considering that the whole construct of his utopia is so idyllic and romantic.  I mean he essentially says that if you want to be happy contemplate life and death, light and darkness.  But if you can’t contemplate then the only happiness you’ll ever know is that of ignorant bliss, which he then utterly condemns.”
“What made you notice that?”
“Maybe because I was speculating about my own happiness.  That’s the thing about Plato, you’ll generally find whatever is on your mind.”
“And what was the product of your speculation?  Do you think you are happy?”
“You know the best answer I can give you right now is that I am not entirely sure if I am happy.  I questioned myself over what happiness means to me and the conclusion I reached was that happiness is a balance involving knowledge of self.  It is all about how much I know about myself and striking a balance between how much of myself I accept and how much I am willing to change.  If I change everything then obviously I am not happy with myself.  And if I want to change nothing, well that doesn’t mean that I am completely satisfied; it means I have nothing to do, I am bored with myself.  So right now with where I am with this balance I am unsure.  I know that I am loved.  I know I am challenged in my work.  Intellectually I am steady you know, I am evolving my beliefs rather than revolting against what I used to believe.  So does that count as a balance?  Does that make me happy”
“It’s kind of interesting that you have put so much thought into this and yet you still kind of feel as though you need outside, not validation, but insight as to whether or not you are happy.  I guess in a way that’s always been you.  I remember when on trips halfway across the world, you would be documenting everything, photographing everything.  And then you would stop and ask ‘what a day right?”
“I think you’re right, I have been doing the same thing.  But consciously I don’t mind, a little outside insight is good because the view from inside can be daunting in its continuity.  So a little break is nice, I guess.”
“It’s good that your conscious of your patterns at least.”
“So what about you?  Are you happy?”
“I see happiness not as a balance, I am not so erudite.  I see happiness as a supreme state of bliss and ecstasy.  The kind you felt when you were a kid and the smallest adventure dramatically altered the way you see the world.”
“And you want the way you see the world to be altered on a daily process?  That sounds messy.”
“It very likely is.  I am not sure if happiness is comfortable so much as it is comforting.  I just see happiness as a state free of anxiety and fear.”
“So can there be happiness in life?  Is life ever free of fear and anxiety?”
“I am not sure.  I know there are people who see the world as inherently cruel and I think they are as wrong as the people who try to perfect the world or life.  Perfection is unattainable.  So, in all honesty, I am just not sure if happiness is attainable for me.
My mind wanders, that’s what it does, it scours for the best fears and insecurities.  But it is possible to be happy and free of fear.  Or at least free from being limited by fear.  When we were young we were so limitless, so enamoured with everything that fear couldn't alter our decision making process.”
“I always felt that as I grew and as my understanding of my surroundings became more complex, so did my fears.  When I was little I was scared of the dark and quicksand.  Now I am scared of stagnating as a human or becoming stubborn.  See what I mean, more complicated.  And I don’t buy that the world became more complex; the way we view it is what changed.”
“Is your biggest fear being stubborn?”
“Well, no, it is one of my fears.  My biggest fear is probably death.  Yeah definitely, the inconclusiveness yet simultaneous conclusiveness of death is my biggest fear.  Every day I earnestly try to put death out of my mind, particularly my death, my mortality.”
“Well, once again we differ.  My favourite fear is life.”
“Favourite fear?  It’s like you get enjoyment from these fears and insecurities.”
“Well, like I said my mind scours and it collects fears so I have an inordinate amount of fears and preoccupying anxieties.  The one that troubles me the most isn’t my biggest fear, it is only my seasonal fear.  That’s why I like to pick a favourite.  Not so much to derive enjoyment out of fear but for character consistency you know.”
“Character consistency?  Do you see yourself as a character in some major novel or film?  Is that why you are afraid to be alive?  Are you afraid right now?  I am only asking all these questions because sounds like you are having some kind of major existentialist crisis.”
“No, the existentialist crisis was last week.  You’re good.  
You know, I thought about phrasing it like ‘my favourite anxiety is life’ instead of fear but that makes it sound like I am anxious for life to begin.  I am not afraid of life ending, I am just kind of worried about, or terrified in a nonchalant way by, all the possibilities of life.  I am afraid that I am living wrong.  That all the people who tried to tell me that life is defined by certain goals or benchmarks, definitions that I rejected because they’re external or alien or unnatural to me, might be right.  How can anyone not be afraid of life?  Whenever anything terrible or unjust or unfair happens, people respond with ‘oh well that’s life’.  And every time they say it, they are insinuating that there is nothing that you or anyone else can do to change this fact; that life makes you helpless.  Well life must be terrifying if it is to blame for all the injustice and helplessness.  When people speak of the good life, they almost exclusively speak of a materialistic existence.  They say I am good, I got a new car.  Or I am doing good, the kids got into university.  Or I am doing good bought a new guitar.  So if this materialism is not for you, then you’ll only see the unfair side life and call it a day.”
“Damn.  I kind of don’t know what to say after that.”
“What were your other questions?”
“Oh right.  Do you see yourself as a character in some kind of artwork?”
“Yeah, somewhat.  I am not insinuating that life isn’t real but I spend so much time with art and focused on art and studying art that I merge a lot of my self-knowledge with characters.  You know most people try to be honest because their grandmother taught them or they try to work hard like their parents or they try to help out like their best friend did.  For me I try to be honest because of Dostoyevsky’s Notes From Underground or I try to be kind because of the Aquaman comic books volume 5.  And I think it’s equally valid because your grandmother wasn’t a saint, you just view her as that character.”
“Easy on the Abuelas man!”
“You know what I mean.  The only drawback to my view is that I sometimes see myself as these characters.  But come on, are you telling me that people walking down the street and doing their mindless jobs and just floating day to day without so much as a thought are not thinking of themselves as characters and the main characters in fact.  It is profitable in a society to be consistent but I think that might be why I have so many fears.  Because I think we as humans weren’t meant to be predictable.  Unpredictability is close to my nature and possibly closer to my view that happiness is a little messy, a little chaotic.”
“You know that you answered whether or not you think happiness is possible but not whether or not YOU are happy?”
“Did I?  I don’t think I even answered that first part.”
“Well, get on with it, I want to order to dessert.”
“I will answer but only if you promise no dessert.  This place is so expensive, it’s like a month on a writer’s salary.”
“Deal.”
“I think an ecstatic happiness is possible.  I think you can be over the moon.  I just don’t think you can do all that without any fears or anxieties. 
So I would like to restate what happiness is to me.  It is a state of bliss and ecstasy but rather than defined by a freedom from fear and anxiety, I will say it is accompanied by the right mix of fears and anxieties.
And in response to the second part about whether or not I am happy.  I am not sure, I am as unpredictable as my nature would allow.  So I cannot answer what the next moment holds but for this moment, I'd say I am happy. At least, I hope I am.”
“I hope so too compadre.  And to let you know, you are literally the most unpredictable human being I have ever met.  I have never been able to guess what you’ll say or why or even replicate your thinking process when discussing it with mutual friends. The only creature more unpredictable than you was this Shiba Inu I saw in Osaka.”
“That’s perfect because I don’t think I am as amazing as dogs.  They are the physical embodiment of happiness.”
“Hear, hear!  To dogs and another round of coffee!”
“Or whatever we call happiness!”
“Cheers compadre.”
“We should do this again for sure.  But no more fancy restaurants please, let's just grab some tacos next time.”
“Now that sounds like pure happiness to me.”